I haven't blogged much over the past year. In fact, I haven't done much of ANYTHING in the past year. I am the poster child for 2020. Working from home, college-aged kids taking classes from home, learning how to use Google Duo for doctor's visits, becoming BFF's with my Alexa Echo Dot because it brings me into the home of my true best friend in another state so we can watch Korean dramas together. I think I've put gas in my car 4 times this year. NO, I am not exaggerating. I've become even better friends with Amazon, UPS, and FED EX. My cats are so spoiled they want for nothing. I've baked. I've taken up bird watching. I spruced up my outdoor space. I've stayed in my pajamas for days. My hair forgets what it was like NOT to be in a messy bun. I've DONE ALL the 2020.
And let's not forget the mental health issues. I was numb most of March and April. Had to take time off of work because I could. not. get. out. of. bed. I did all the right things. Took short-term disability. Sought out a therapist who would text me through panic attacks. Adjusted medications. Stopped watching COVID numbers and nightly news broadcasts. And that helped. A little. Went back to work before I was ready because the guilt of not working for "JUST" anxiety when there were so many worse things happening to people around the world.....
And that ball of fear in the pit of my stomach when I thought of my 77-year-old dad without a full set of lungs still going into work every day. My immune-compromised sister and best friend at the grocery stores. Same issues we are ALL having and feelings we are all feeling and some of us can power through and others (like me) break.
So to say this year has been difficult would be no surprise to anyone. Because it has been that way for all of us. And on top of pandemics and politics we've had our own issues to deal with. A sister with cirrhosis who starts drinking again after almost dying less than 3 years ago. Another sister who (like you) has anxiety so bad she can't work. A father whose business is kept open ONLY by the grace of God. And that same father who wants YOU to learn the ropes of the business so he can retire. A friend who dies at age 48 of a massive heart attack. A son who is exposed to COVID over and over at his work place and THEN nearly cuts off his thumb at this job and they don't allow him to go to the hospital. (OK, that was an exaggeration - but it was a deep cut and needed stitches and they basically taped it together on the job) A best friend who is on the verge of divorce after 20+ years of marriage.
But you know what? I am, at this moment, remarkably well. Not because THINGS are well, because they aren't. At least with the people I love.
A couple of weeks ago I decided to dedicate 2021 to strengthening my relationship with God. And everything just fell into place. Nothing changed. Nothing except my focus. And my perception.
Almost every year since I was about 12, I have made New Year's Resolutions, or "goals" if you will. I mostly forget them all by March - and that is really giving myself the benefit of the doubt there. I was working on that again for this year when I decided to just let all of those things come second to working toward being a better woman of God. Everything else will fall under that title anyway. Lose weight? AKA redecorating the temple. Up the credit score? Better steward of what God gives me. Start and maintain a morning routine? Start my day in the Word.
I'm stating my intention so I can come back here in a year to see what happens.......
For the first time in 2020, I am hopeful.