Friday, March 17, 2017

God Never Gives You More Than You Can Handle

It's been five months since my last post.  I've thought about writing many times, but then somehow I just couldn't seem to find the will.

In the past five months:

*I've had two surgeries
*My oldest was diagnosed with autism (albeit very high functioning)
*My oldest received a confirming diagnosis of depression, general and social anxiety, and something else God help me I can't remember the name of
*My oldest daughter was diagnosed with PCOS
*My mother with diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer with mets to the brain, stomach, etc.
*My mother was diagnosed with a huge abdominal aortic aneurysm
*I spent 6 weeks going to chemo and radiation with my mother
*I was nearly fired from my job for cutting my hours to be with my mother
*I spent the weekend sleeping at the hospital while my mother was an inpatient getting diagnosed with atrial fibrillation
* I called an ambulance when my mother woke up one morning and could barely walk or breath
*I held my mom's hand as she took her last breath and her heart slowly stopped
*I dealt with the funeral home to carry out her final wishes
* I kept the extended family up-to-date on her condition throughout
*I planned and carried out her memorial service

Some people would have wanted to write during all of this, writing being very cathartic.  However, it was (is) all too painful for me, so I have been in hiding.

But I am ready to come back to my blog now.  So many other things happened during that time frame as well.  One of my good friends was in the hospital and rehab center for nearly a month with pneumonia, she was intubated and put in a medically-induced coma.  My best friend's mother had a heart attack and was in the ICU for several days.  Two of my good friends were having marital problems, one is near divorce.  Another close friend of mine has his father in the hospital with a malignancy on his pancreas as well as a post-op infection.  My best friend at work is handing in her resignation and I don't know how I will face this place without her.

During my mom's illness and even the week after her death - God gave me incredible supernatural strength to handle everything.  I've never been so strong in my life.  However, this past month I've felt broken almost every single day.  And I know that is expected after the loss of someone so close.  But I have three children (20, 18, 17) who need me to get back to a sense of normalcy.  They are grieving too.  They need me to be the strong one.  To pave the road for them to follow back to ordinary life.  So I am attempting to do this.  It hasn't quite worked yet.  But I will keep trying, because I have to.

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