Overwhelmed & Depressed

 I'm going to be tapping out of a few things for a season. I've put too much on my plate, and per uszh, I just quit doing everything. I think maybe I'm going to pivot. Take away some things, and add others which are easy on my soul. 

I honestly don't understand how I do so well for so many months and then out of nowhere (or seemingly nowhere) depression comes back and I can NOT shake it. This starts the whole ugly spiral of "If I had more faith, I wouldn't stay depressed", "Why does God allow this?", "What did I do wrong?" 

(Before I continue, let me add a caveat. I am being treated medically. I've suffered from depression and anxiety on and off for nearly 40 years. My current medication regimen was working very well for quite some time - but I still have periods where they just stop) 

You know, my head can tell me a thousand times that God does NOT work that way. I know it to my very core. Yet my tricky emotions snake their way in and all these feelings swirl around my head, lay claim to my heart, and embrace my soul. 

I pray harder. 

I write out scripture. 

I watch Christian videos. 

I listen to praise and worship. 

I LAMENT. 

Oh, do David's Psalms resonate with me at all phases of my life! Of course, he was hiding out in caves and was being chased down to be killed - and I am sitting at a desk in my comfy house, with a pumpkin spice candle and a cup of tea. We are not the same. 

But the feeling is the same. The crying out to God to kick my enemy's butt! To crush my depression under His mighty heel! 

David went through this season so that he could live out his purpose. Could that be why my heart is full and heavy, and I don't have the strength or energy to do much of anything, let alone do it with joy? 

I am cutting back. I do not have the headspace to do a personal Curriculum right now or a book club. I'm barely getting through books for pleasure.

My PM routine is getting cut in half. My writing is going to pivot the most. I haven't been writing creatively at all. I think I'm going to step away from my writing group, as much as I love them so, so much. I do not have the will or the energy to have two full-time jobs. And I can't give up the one that pays and insures me. Something has to give. 

There will be No daily dopamine (listening to a new song, reading a poem, learning a new fact). No commonplacing (unless I feel like it!) No reading a classic at the moment. No creative art journaling. And other things I just can't think of right now. 

I am only going to be doing the things I have the energy for, and things that heal me. 

*Journaling

*Blogging

*Reading my Bible

*Writing scripture

*Engaging in a few select social groups online

*My A.M. routine (the cornerstone of my current life!) 

*SELF CARE (this is an addition - as I'm a wreck) 

*Spending more time in prayer and my war binder

*Listening to music of all types that make my heart happy

*All the planning (because still......) 

*Walking in nature (this has been the only thing keeping me from a full on can't-get-out-of-bed depression) 

*Bible study (currently Daily Grace with HB Ministries and it has been SO GOOD and starting Make Your Home A Haven through Women Living Well Ministries)

I'm just wanting to stay in bed and do nothing. But I'll do my best to keep trying.