Thursday, August 18, 2016

Happy & Content or Restless?

Yes, I've been restless, but only just recently.  I'd like to think that I'm content - and oh how I come off as such - but truly, God's nudges have become a cyclone of self lambasting. How far back into the depths of my subconscious can I secret away all that He has told me in the past years?  The multitude of soft butterfly wing reminders building into the torrent of wind-whipped waves coursing through the vast, cavernous contours of my mind?  I'm content when I ignore the nudges.  When I ignore what HE wants me to do.....

Full Definition of restless

  1. 1:  lacking or denying rest :  uneasy <a restless night>
  2. 2:  continuously moving :  unquiet <the restless sea>
  3. 3:  characterized by or manifesting unrest especially of mind<restless pacing>also :  changefuldiscontented

I'm irritated.  Mostly with myself.  Ok, completely with myself.  The scripture that ALWAYS comes to mind when I need to find one that is a mirror reflection of my life, has to be Romans 7:15-25.

15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.cFor I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

I'm so blessed I don't even know what to do with myself.  I need to act on that.  Being a Christian is a combination of many things - and one of those things is action.  God has been so good to me that He has even broken down what He wants from me into baby steps.  And I have chosen to pretty much ignore even the most minute request.  It's been over 4 years since I was clear on my purpose.  

I had a conversation about a week ago.  A conversation that I feel was another one of God's soft whispers of encouragement.  I was lamenting over the fact that as much as I always felt that music was my calling, an illness made it impossible for me to ever play the flute again.  I already know what God has told me the solution to this is; however, it wasn't until I heard it from someone else, a reminder of who I am, deep in the lightest and brightest part of my soul - that there are other options in creating music.  In composing the music that glitters through my head when I'm doing mundane tasks, waking me from a deep sleep or haunting me until I finally sit and put lyrics to the melody.  

I live a happy life.  I do.  I'm crazy in love with my kids.  I love the simplicity of working and coming home to them.  To spending time with family.  Quiet nights reading.  But that JOY that you can only feel when the gift God has given you is flowing through your veins and out of your hands and your mind crackles with electric ideas that you KNOW were given to you by Someone Greater - THAT JOY - that is what I am restless for. And what I'm seeking.

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